Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
