I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
