I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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