im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Randomize
