i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
