you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
Randomize
