3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Randomize
