and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
