Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
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