I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
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