A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
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