theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
