Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
