I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
