She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Randomize
