I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
