You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
I need a hoe opinion
go on
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Randomize
