If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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