My liver just broke up with me...
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
Randomize
