Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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