i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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