just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
I am mentally ready for anal.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Randomize
