Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
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