sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Randomize
