i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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