meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
