...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
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