this beer tastes like vomit already
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
Randomize
