im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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