I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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