What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
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