mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Randomize
