that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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