its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
I need mimosas to revive my soul
Randomize
