got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!�
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Randomize
