I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Apparently every Tri-Delt knows what I did and I am blacklisted from ever dating anyone in that house.
Well ya you lied, told her you cared, took her virginity and then broke up with her at Christies Toy Box.
I honestly thought the dildo was a nice parting gift.
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
