True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
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