If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
