I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
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