When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Those nachos came to me in a dream
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
