I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
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