Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
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