i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
