bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
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