my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
