I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
whose ass print is on the piano?
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
My day in three words: secret purse cake
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Randomize
