Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Randomize
