I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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