And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
