My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
